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So...I've been bad about keeping this blog regular.  Sorry about that.  I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to write about this, because I've already ranted enough, but what the hell.

So, last Saturday night, my mom gets...completely shitfaced drunk.  Now, I'm not one to tell people not to drink...except in a case like this.  My mom THINKS she's cool with me transitioning, but then every time she gets drunk (which is...fairly often), she has something negative to say about it.  Whether it's how hard my life is gonna be, how hard I'm making her life, yadda yadda yadda.  Well...this time, she just went off like a bomb, and generally had no concept of how bad this could really get.

It started relatively normally, she asked me a few practical questions--she knows I started hormones, so she was asking if anything had physically changed yet.  I said it would be easier for her to tell me, since she can see the changes, but she told me she "kind of goes out of her way not to look."  Great start to the conversation.  It only went downhill from there--she started ranting about how parents give up their whole lives for their children (I have NO idea where that came from), how completely abnormal I really am, spent about 20 minutes crying and saying "this isn't real"...I think the real kick in the teeth about it all is she kept asking me "Are you okay with me?" 

Now, I understand where she's coming from, she's worried she's not being supportive or whatever...but asking that question after basically making me feel completely worthless?  Probably not the best thing to do, because frankly, no...I wasn't at the moment.  But in the mood she was in, I couldn't actually say that.

My favorite part about it, though, was she made me "confront my father" about transitioning.  Allow me to explain why this shouldn't have happened...

1) My mom came out to my dad for me.  She didn't ask my permission, she didn't make sure I was cool with it...she just did it.  So my dad already knows.

2) Almost this entire conversation took place with my father on the deck with us.  Not the bit about any physical changes, but most of it following.  So how exactly would he not know one way or the other?

I know I shouldn't take my mom's drunken ramblings to heart...but after all that, after 2 or 3 hours of basically being run into the ground because my mom isn't really okay with what I'm doing...how am I supposed to NOT take that to heart?  So...needless to say, I'm looking for a change of living space now.

Anyway.  I needed to get that off my chest.  I'll try to make blog posts more regular.

Sam

Something Crazy

5 days...10 doses...20 pills.

Doesn't sound like a lot, does it?  It doesn't sound like, when doing something like a male to female transition, 20 pills would do very much.  Believe me, I know.  But I can now tell you, from firsthand experience, it can.

I preface this by saying I started transition overweight; I'm 5'3", and about 165, so I'm not exactly the physical specimen.  Even before HRT, I had a little bit of boob going on, but in 5 days, I can tell you it's gone from typical man-boob type to rounding itself out into actual breast tissue.  There's been real, physical, shape change...in 5 days.  It really is amazing to me.

The crazy thing is, last week, I went shopping would a couple of friends, picked up a couple of sports bras, cuz I knew i'd need them "eventually."  Now I'm thinkin' "eventually" may be July 1 or earlier...

Sam

Surprises

So, I started hormone therapy this past Friday; 1mg of Estradiol and 50mg of Spironolactone, twice a day.  The clinic told me to expect "to feel the changes within a week."  I felt like that was probably a bit optimistic, so I kind of went in speculative.  For those of your curious, they were right--every dose I've taken has been greeted with a bit of what I can only describe as growing pains in my chest.  One might think this would be really annoying...but I'm choosing to look at it as progress.  If I didn't feel that, it means it wouldn't be doing anything; as it stands, I can tell it is.

On just basic life stuff, work is training me to be a supervisor, which is neat in the sense of it pays better, but I can definitely see where it would be frustrating to do.  For my mind, I'll take the extra  hassle in order to make more money and (hopefully) finally get my own place.  Of course, I have to keep myself from spending the money I make frivolously...which I'm prone to do.

Sam

Welcome

Hi!  I'm Sam, and I'm a 24 year old transgirl.  I'm a martial artist, I'm a sports fanatic, I'm a geek, I'm a video gamer...I'm a bit of everything, honestly.  I started this blog to document...really, anything.  Its initial purpose was to document the changes I'm going to go through as I start my transition toward becoming female, but I'm relatively scatterbrained, so sometimes it could be completely vital, sometimes it could be as simple as "oh my god, you HAVE to play this video game."  If you don't mind randomness and the occasional rant, please stick around!

I think that's about it for now, honestly.

Sam