Thursday, November 15, 2012

Fucked up nightmare

So...I have no idea where this came from, but this was my dream last night...

The majority of it was actually rather pleasant. I was ... as far as I could ell, married to a girl.  At the very least, we lived together.  We got a letter in the mail about some trip we'd apparently "won," but we were both really confused as to how, cuz we didn't remember entering anything.

So we go through the motions of getting set up for a trip and such, which for some reason involves 3 different orientation type meetings. Gradually, people are pruned away until a group of about 100 are left. It's only then that I start to notice that all the decorations on the plane (notable: they're still building the plane) are rainbow colors. 2+2 being 4 and everything, I realize this is an LGBT flight. Neat.

This is where it gets twisted: I see them building part of the plane, and somehow, I recognized some of the workers as killers. I don't know how I came to that conclusion, but it made sense in the dream. So I get back to my girlfriend and explain to her that we have to get out of there...right now. But as we look for a way out, everything's sealed. No way in, no way out.

The dream basically became a cross between V for Vendetta, Firefly, and the Diary of Anne Frank at this point: it was like those dudes with the blue gloves in Firefly were chasing us all. So, after a rather massive scramble up what was apparently 5 flights of stairs, getting separated from my girlfriend, and the entire set of passengers being in a fright now, I somehow made the decision to hide between the ceiling tiles and the actual roof. Those of you who've worked with ceiling tiles know those are not the sturdiest things in the didn't take long for the grid they hang from to collapse, and I fell to the floor right in front of two of the guys that were chasing us. Needless to say...grabbed and drug off.

The end of the dream was like a bad cliffhanger ending that I've kinda blocked out; all I really remember about it is my girlfriend got shot in front of me, and then some kind of halo device was put on my head, and...the end. My eyes shot open and my heart was going WAAAAAAY too fast...

Weirdest dream I've had in...ages...and I'd rather not relive it any time soon...  

Friday, June 29, 2012


So...I've been bad about keeping this blog regular.  Sorry about that.  I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to write about this, because I've already ranted enough, but what the hell.

So, last Saturday night, my mom gets...completely shitfaced drunk.  Now, I'm not one to tell people not to drink...except in a case like this.  My mom THINKS she's cool with me transitioning, but then every time she gets drunk (which is...fairly often), she has something negative to say about it.  Whether it's how hard my life is gonna be, how hard I'm making her life, yadda yadda yadda.  Well...this time, she just went off like a bomb, and generally had no concept of how bad this could really get.

It started relatively normally, she asked me a few practical questions--she knows I started hormones, so she was asking if anything had physically changed yet.  I said it would be easier for her to tell me, since she can see the changes, but she told me she "kind of goes out of her way not to look."  Great start to the conversation.  It only went downhill from there--she started ranting about how parents give up their whole lives for their children (I have NO idea where that came from), how completely abnormal I really am, spent about 20 minutes crying and saying "this isn't real"...I think the real kick in the teeth about it all is she kept asking me "Are you okay with me?" 

Now, I understand where she's coming from, she's worried she's not being supportive or whatever...but asking that question after basically making me feel completely worthless?  Probably not the best thing to do, because frankly, no...I wasn't at the moment.  But in the mood she was in, I couldn't actually say that.

My favorite part about it, though, was she made me "confront my father" about transitioning.  Allow me to explain why this shouldn't have happened...

1) My mom came out to my dad for me.  She didn't ask my permission, she didn't make sure I was cool with it...she just did it.  So my dad already knows.

2) Almost this entire conversation took place with my father on the deck with us.  Not the bit about any physical changes, but most of it following.  So how exactly would he not know one way or the other?

I know I shouldn't take my mom's drunken ramblings to heart...but after all that, after 2 or 3 hours of basically being run into the ground because my mom isn't really okay with what I'm am I supposed to NOT take that to heart?  So...needless to say, I'm looking for a change of living space now.

Anyway.  I needed to get that off my chest.  I'll try to make blog posts more regular.


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Something Crazy

5 days...10 doses...20 pills.

Doesn't sound like a lot, does it?  It doesn't sound like, when doing something like a male to female transition, 20 pills would do very much.  Believe me, I know.  But I can now tell you, from firsthand experience, it can.

I preface this by saying I started transition overweight; I'm 5'3", and about 165, so I'm not exactly the physical specimen.  Even before HRT, I had a little bit of boob going on, but in 5 days, I can tell you it's gone from typical man-boob type to rounding itself out into actual breast tissue.  There's been real, physical, shape 5 days.  It really is amazing to me.

The crazy thing is, last week, I went shopping would a couple of friends, picked up a couple of sports bras, cuz I knew i'd need them "eventually."  Now I'm thinkin' "eventually" may be July 1 or earlier...


Sunday, June 10, 2012


So, I started hormone therapy this past Friday; 1mg of Estradiol and 50mg of Spironolactone, twice a day.  The clinic told me to expect "to feel the changes within a week."  I felt like that was probably a bit optimistic, so I kind of went in speculative.  For those of your curious, they were right--every dose I've taken has been greeted with a bit of what I can only describe as growing pains in my chest.  One might think this would be really annoying...but I'm choosing to look at it as progress.  If I didn't feel that, it means it wouldn't be doing anything; as it stands, I can tell it is.

On just basic life stuff, work is training me to be a supervisor, which is neat in the sense of it pays better, but I can definitely see where it would be frustrating to do.  For my mind, I'll take the extra  hassle in order to make more money and (hopefully) finally get my own place.  Of course, I have to keep myself from spending the money I make frivolously...which I'm prone to do.


Saturday, June 9, 2012


Hi!  I'm Sam, and I'm a 24 year old transgirl.  I'm a martial artist, I'm a sports fanatic, I'm a geek, I'm a video gamer...I'm a bit of everything, honestly.  I started this blog to document...really, anything.  Its initial purpose was to document the changes I'm going to go through as I start my transition toward becoming female, but I'm relatively scatterbrained, so sometimes it could be completely vital, sometimes it could be as simple as "oh my god, you HAVE to play this video game."  If you don't mind randomness and the occasional rant, please stick around!

I think that's about it for now, honestly.